suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
