I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize