3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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