I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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