im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize