Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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