I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
