I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
