i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
