Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
