So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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