fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
