My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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