He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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