in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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