new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
