i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm always down for nudity.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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