I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
