if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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