So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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