dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
