If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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