Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
