wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize