Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
