Heybabeimwearingurpanties
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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