I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
