Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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