he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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