I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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