I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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