Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
