I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
