Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
