2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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