Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
