New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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