wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
