why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
