I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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