im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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