happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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