dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
