respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
