im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
