so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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