Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
