I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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