If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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