I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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