Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
