My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
