With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
