Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
