Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
