So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
