Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
